and you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

And I can go anywhere I want
Anywhere I want, just not home

my tears ricochet – Taylor Swift

I’ve been low contact to no contact with my mother for about ten years now. It was a difficult decision and it took a long time, but I know it was the right choice to me. But it’s been really fascinating to see the trend of people my age and younger starting to go no contact with their parents.

Fascinating and validating, but a little painful, because while mostly I don’t think about my mother at all, when I do, it’s difficult not to think about everything that went wrong and how I tried for so long to win an unwinnable battle against her. People can only change if they want to, after all.

What’s more painful, though, and what sneaks up on me, is when I see someone my age with a close relationship to their mother. Their mom buying them groceries or hemming their pants or taking them shopping. Because while I’m grateful for my ability to set firm boundaries with my own mother that ultimately removed her from my life, I do sometimes think that it would be nice to have a mother. And when people tell me I’m strong or brave or whatever because I went no contact, I think to myself, how is the best case scenario for me that I have no mother at all?

What I do have, is a grandmother that I’m best buds with. My grandmother was my daily daycare until I was old enough to go to school. I spent weekends and summers with my grandparents. They helped pay for my schooling and kept me on my feet when I was at my most broke. My grandmother is where I got my pen name.

We lost my grandfather in 2018, but my grandmother just turned 91. She moved out of state during the pandemic, so seeing her once or twice a week became facetime calls instead and I see her once a year, now. We make it a point to go visit. Every time I say goodbye, though, I know it might be the last time. I want her to be comfortable and happy and she’s lived a good, long life, but I know when she goes, I’ll really be motherless.

I’m 37, I don’t actually need a mother, anymore. I certainly don’t need my mother. But just sometimes I think, wouldn’t it be nice to have one? Just sometimes?

5 thoughts on “and you’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

  1. damedallas

    I want to say a lot because I think talking it out with someone who has or is experiencing the same thing is very therapeutic and cathartic, helps with processing, and is overall nice to just have someone in your corner. However, I’m not going to because I’ve been here “with” you for so many years now, so just know that I get it. I really do.
    <3 <3 <3

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